August 30, 2011
Battle Within (A Series of Confessions from a Nearly Insane Philosopher)

By Dondon Luna

(Photo by: Belle Llido)

Issue no. 3 (the continuation of "Who’s in the Mirror?")

After months of rebellion, I finally decided to raise the white flag. For the past few months, I withdrew from praying, I stopped going to church. I saw it pointless then to worship while my heart says the evil otherwise. I also felt that I was being abandoned, being persecuted by my own Lord—that was in my frame of thinking. And so I rebeled. I turned my back from Him. I disobeyed. But the back of my mind constantly reminds me that I owe everything to God, that I don’t have the right to be stubborn because the life that I have now came from Him.

And so, August 28, 2011, I went to church. I went early to seat comfortably. I set my mind. I said, “This is it, I’m coming home.” But there were disrupting whispers saying, “This is all non-sense, you know you’re doing this because everything is falling apart and you don’t know what to do next—everything is out of your control.” Then it came into my senses that what I heard was right: I was asking for a miracle hand to switch off all these misfortunes I was experiencing—I want it to stop, right then and then. Then, I struggled. I wanted to go out of that church—I wanted to back out; to save some pride of mine. And then I heard the first reading from Jeremiah 20:7-9:

You duped me, O LORD, and I let myself be duped;
you were too strong for me, and you triumphed.
All the day I am an object of laughter;
everyone mocks me.

Whenever I speak, I must cry out,
violence and outrage is my message;
the word of the LORD has brought me
derision and reproach all the day.

I say to myself, I will not mention him,
I will speak in his name no more.
But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart,
imprisoned in my bones;
I grow weary holding it in, I cannot endure it.

The message came into my being; it all make sense now. I prayed to him not because I needed him but because it’s my essence…my nature…it’s in me. I’ve been suppressing this thing underneath me when all it needs is just a ring from a bell.

In the Season 5 of Supernatural, Dean Winchester who doesn’t believe in God and who calls the angels sons of b———, cried to heaven and said, “God, help me, I can’t do this anymore”—it was the time when everything was falling out of control. He said, “prayer is what a desperate man does”—I believe it’s true. Many people remember God when they are in chaos or in a middle of an angry hurricane. But then, I think everyone of us has this nature of clinging to the one who created us…it’s just that we tend to press it deep down until it vanishes in the dark valley of our souls or maybe we just forget about it. It’s inside us, shouting…the need for a God—in whatever form or image there is for men. We tend to cling to a Supreme Being higher than everyone of us can imagine…and yet, we all come out empty. Just like that day, August 28, in a crowded humid church. I realized all these things but still I came out empty. Still a nobody. Nothing changes. I came out in that church and I was the same stubborn egoistic bastard. When will I ever change…when will I go back to who I used to be? I’m still searching…What’s lacking? I hope fate can bear with me a little longer.

(to be continued…) 

  1. mamxmarionette reblogged this from philosopomarco and added:
    I thought I was the only one experiencing this kind of thing…but NO…there are lots of people who are encountering this...
  2. philosopomarco posted this